The Scourge Of Rear-Rollers

Of all of the problems that have historically plagued humanity, there is one that stands above all others; a problem that has never truly been resolved and thus in the grand scheme of things is the single greatest issue that Man has ever faced. The problem we are discussing today is the proper way to place a roll of toilet paper onto the dispenser.

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Of all of the problems that have historically plagued humanity, there is one that stands above all others; a problem that has never truly been resolved and thus in the grand scheme of things is the single greatest issue that Man has ever faced. The problem we are discussing today is the proper way to place a roll of toilet paper onto the dispe

Today, we will discuss the social ramifications of toilet paper direction as well as the tribulations that this issue has historically caused. Only by using scientific facts and physics will we finally reach our conclusion of what is right and what is evil.

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toilet-paperSince the first known usage of toilet paper in 7th century China, the issue of which direction the roll hangs has been a constant cause of strife. In fact, this issue led to the collapse of the Tang Dynasty in 907ce when Emperor Tang (who insisted on hanging the paper on the back of the roll) was deposed by Zhu Wang, champion of the forward facing roll.

Since that time, the majority of people have hung their toilet paper with the roll facing out, which is the proper and right way to use toilet paper. However, even in this modern era some people still insist on hanging their rolls facing backwards. This is mostly due to ignorance, lack of care for the toilet paper, or even worse, the ulterior motive of spreading the evil of the rearward facing roll across the globe once more.

The issue at hand is not nearly as simple as “which way do you prefer”. No, it is much, much deeper than that. Historically, there have been several attempts to reinstate the rearward facing roll as the norm and they have all ended in mindless death and destruction.

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THE FACTS

On June 28th 1914, a Bosnian named Gavrilo Princip assassinated the heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, setting off World War One. Unbeknownst to most people, Ferdinand was a champion of the rearward facing roll and had forged an alliance with Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany to spread their backward ideology across Europe. Their evil doctrine of non-forward toilet paper rolls resulted in the deaths of over nine million people and four years of war across Europe.

The surviving “Rear-rollers” went underground, slowly building up their power and numbers which ultimately resulted in a man named Adolf Hitler coming to power. It is a little known fact that Hitler despised the forward facing roll, claiming that it was aesthetically abhorrent and unfit for the Fatherland. He sought to spread this view across the entire world resulting in six years of global war which culminated in the detonation of the atomic bomb and the deaths of millions across the Earth.

After the war, most westerners opted for the outward facing roll as a show of pride in the allied victory. This caused Joseph Stalin to proclaim that the USSR would officially require rear-facing rolls because communists hate freedom. The Soviets killed millions of their own citizens for being caught with forward-facing rolls in their homes.

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THE SCIENCE

So why is it that throughout history, the people who prefer the rear-facing roll have been responsible for so much pain and suffering?

A study was recently finished by scientists at Harvard University where they discovered that people who choose the rear-facing roll are in fact, sick. That is, they have an abnormality in their frontal lobe which can cause severe anger, dementia and even psychopathic or sociopathic tendencies. In other words, the tendency towards the rear facing roll is merely a symptom of a much larger looming problem.

In a recent study from UC Berkeley it has come to light that Charles Manson, Gary Ridgeway and Ted Kaczynski are all rear-rollers. Is this merely a coincidence? Possibly, however the evidence strongly suggests that there is a direct correlation between rear-rollers and mass murder.

ridgeway

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THE PHYSICS

Beyond neuroscience and a history of lunatics we come to the basic physics of the toilet paper roll.

The roll is made in such a way that when placed facing forward the user will have access to the sheets required for sanitary purposes. When hung properly, you will see at least three entire sheets facing out and the end of the roll will be conveniently displayed for you to grasp.

When hung rearward, the user can see no paper displayed and so must unroll and tear from the back. This often leads to taking more paper than what is needed (resulting in the clear cutting of forests, heightened global warming and the death of polar bears) or, in the worst case, the remaining roll unraveling to the floor. This results in frustration, depression, and as science has told us, plans for global domination and a need to kill.

Science doesn’t lie.

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So there you have it. After much fact-based scientific and historical research, we here at Camp666 have finally put an end to the long debated issue.

Using the rear-facing method of hanging toilet paper can lead only to an unquenchable thirst for destruction, murder, death and communism.


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Author: joeski

Husband, Dad, Cyclist, Artist, Brewer...

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